treehouse

today i was thinking about treehouses.

i was thinking about how i have always wanted a treehouse. i wanted some place i could go that wasn't all the way outside but wasn't inside either. i wanted a place to play with my friends. i wanted a place where i could be removed. i wanted a place where i could go read and read aloud. i wanted a place where i could talk to myself and no one would hear me or judge me. i wanted a place i could be alone. i wanted a place to my own.

i was thinking about the first treehouse i've ever been in. it was just a ladder and a plank that was nailed to a branch.

i was thinking about the treehouse my friends were building when we were in 3rd grade. it was just a little tree with a whole bunch of wood jumbled together on a branch. and i was confused because they were too young to build a treehouse.

i was thinking about our date and the treehouse you built and let me inside. and i was thinking about how i just wanted to stay in there all night with you. but then again not because there were birds inside and i was scared.

i was thinking about the high school musical treehouse and how Gabriella was the 2nd girl that has ever been up there with Troy, the 1st being his mom.

i was thinking about the treehouse i was going to make with my next door neighbors last summer. it was going to be above the fence and have a ladder on both sides. we were going to work on it everyday. but summer got crazy and there were vacations and we got lazy. but i still have a pinterest board of treehouse ideas.

i was thinking about the treehouse my dad promised to help me build. he told me that we have to wait until the oak tree got strong enough it could handle all the weight and holes we would be putting into it. i asked him every year if the tree was strong enough. the answer was always no even though the tree had been growing for more than 20 years. i remember coming home one day from school and seeing that the big oak tree in the backyard had been cut down.

i guess my dad forgot his promise.

dad. i'd still really like for you to help me build a treehouse.

abcdefghijklmnopqurstuvwxyz

who made up the alphabet?

who made up how each letter looks like?

who made up a sound for each letter?

who made up the words?

who made up which letters form to make a word?

who made up meanings for words?

Was it God?

was there a group in Heaven that sat around a table?

i think it was God, because He created all things. 

but i don't know. it's a mystery to me. 

what my bones said

i don't know what my bones would say if they could speak to me. But i know what my heart would say. my heart would say "don't you let go of him." my heart would say "cuddle." my heart would say "just kiss him." my heart would say "buy a ticket and leave today. "

but my brain would say "this relationship is going no where. you're wasting your time." my brain would say "no one would cuddle with you." my brain would say "stop dreaming. he's not going to kiss you." my brain would say "you have no money. you have no where to go. you have no where to stay." my brains would sound a lot like my parents.

i can't hear my bones.
and i can hardly hear my heart.
maybe it's because my brain is too loud and it has an echo from the people that surround me.

my brain. it's the only one i can hear.

miss you

i miss you.

i miss the way you say my name. i miss your smile. i miss the nickname you gave me. i miss the way you crinkle your eyes when you laugh at my jokes. i miss your hugs. i miss your disney sweatshirt. i miss your wool socks. i miss your electric blanket. i miss your leather couch. i miss your dog. i miss your mom. i miss playing our drawing game. i miss hangman. i miss sledding. i miss our car. i miss the treehouse. i miss that hot chocolate you got me. i miss the bag of marshmallows you poured into my cup. i miss your texts. i miss singing with you. i miss dancing with you. i miss your jj games. i miss your kitchen. i miss your hugs......did i already say that? well it's true.... i've never said anything more true in my life. as silly as it sounds i miss your shoutouts on twitter. i miss our talks. i miss when you said i love you. i miss when you called me sis.


i miss you.

The Golden Rule

"Treat others the way you want to be treated." 

Lies. 

This isn't golden. This is more of the gold ring you bought and wore it faithfully but then after a few days you take it off and see that your treasured ring has betrayed you. You see it's not gold at all. All it is, is a crappy silver that looks like a rust color and turns your finger green. It was only painted gold to make you think that it is special. But it's ok, because everyone else thought it was special too. It's what we've all been taught since kindergarten. But my question is, if we've all been taught to covet and care for this golden ring, then why do so many people pretend it's not there? 

Basically what I'm getting at is that the "golden rule" is crap. 

Don't want

I don't want to write about death. I don't want to do homework. I don't want to change up my blog. I don't want to do interviews. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to hang out. I don't want to text her back. I don't want to go home. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to be seen. I don't want to go to Morp anymore. I don't want to lie in bed. I don't want to go outside. I don't want to look at twitter and see you post. I don't want to look at snapchat and see the parties that I wasn't invited to. I don't want to look in the mirror. I just want to be with you. And I want you to know how much I don't want to say that. 

I don't want to want you.  

might have been

i don't remember what was last on my mind before i fell asleep but it might have been that  i showed you a piece of my heart in that text and you never replied. it might have been that you said "i hate Lone Peak. Always have and always will" and i took it personally. oh and you also said that "you would rather be single for the rest of your life than to marry a girl from LP" yeah... sorry i took that personally too. it might have been that my mom ripped me apart for going to see you at lunch, for not being prepared for college, for not having a decision on where i am going to go to college, for not getting that seminary "it's time" T-shirt, for thinking that I am falling away from the church, for not cleaning my room, for disobeying, for taking advantage of the car privileges, for not wanting to go look at kitchen appliances with her, etc. it might have been that it was my last basketball game ever and i wasn't allowed to be with my friends that night. it might have been that i was scared thinking about going to college and what the future will hold. it might have been that i was cold. it might have been that i wish i had someone to play with. it might have been that i was thinking about finally seeing Walter Mitty..... alone. it might have been that i got yelled at by a teacher in front of everyone, and i couldn't defend myself. it might have been that i read this stupid quote on pinterest "there comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn't jump puddles for you" and i realized that it that time is coming, and i don't want it to. and it might have been another lame quote "the hardest part about letting go is finally realizing that there wasn't much left to hold on to" and realized that pinterest might be right, and i also need to stop spending so much time on pinterest. it might have been that the only people that care about my wellbeing are adults. it might have been that i wanted to run away. it might have been that i was thinking about what might have been between us and what we could have had.


it might have been a lot of things.

but all i know is that i woke up with swollen eyelids and tear stained cheeks.

Walter Mitty

i have a fear of letting go.

no. not like the frozen song.

letting go of people. like relationships.

not actually letting go of a persons arm.

but i guess that too. because then i'm alone and have no one to hold on to when i need a helping hand....

i have a fear to see "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty."

yes. the movie.

because we promised each other that we would see "Saving Mr. Banks" together, but then you decided to ditch me that day in december and go see it with another girl. so i got mad and hurt, and i told you i was mad and hurt. and you said you'd make up to me and we would see "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" together.....that was three months ago...

and i still haven't seen it.


guess what. i really want to see it.

and at this point i'm considering to go watch it by myself. or maybe with a different friend and then i'll post a picture on social media so you'll see that i went without you.

so that you'll see that i was done waiting for you... "because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. useless and disappointing" (S/O to the Hillary Duff Cinderella Story for having a good quote and for giving me false hopes about high school.... but we will get to that in another post)

so that you'll see that i'm letting go of you. because you fell off the cliff and i desperately reached down to save you and i've been grasping on to your wrist for six months. and you won't move a finger. you aren't trying to hold on. in fact it feels like you are twisting and squirming to be released from my hand.

so i'm just going to let go. because there is no point in trying to save you when you want to fall.

nice

"no suzie, don't send that!"
"why not?! i'm just wishing him luck"
"no don't...... sometimes.... you're just too nice?"


STOP!!! i'm so sick of everyone saying i'm TOO nice, i'm TOO good, i'm TOO kind, i'm TOO sweet. i hate the word too. the word "too" means  "a higher degree than is desirable." this is ridiculous. how can there be a "desired amount" on niceness, and goodness, and kindness, and sweetness? apparently in this world there is a limit on it.

also STOP calling me nice, because you don't know the real me. sometimes all i want to say is "shut up" and "i hate you" and i'll say hate because hate is a strong word. and i also want to say "please stop. you're making me gag" and "can i please throw a BRICK at your face" and "i'd rather die than to be in your presence right now."

(ok that was a bit extreme... i half take it back. just some people make me really unhappy....but anyways back to people calling me TOO nice)

like are you kidding me? i'm sorry that i'm just doing what i've been taught since kindergarten....to share. but growing older i'm not sharing my toys anymore, i am sharing my love and my heart. i was taught this year that "whenever you have an urge to show love to people, you ALWAYS do it. No matter what".... so i guess i'm sorry for being too kind, and for showing my love....

Actually no. i'm not sorry.
i'm not sorry at all.
i'm so tired of saying sorry when i've done nothing wrong.
i'm tired of taking the blame to end a conflict when in reality i'm the one hurt and you should be the one saying sorry.

so world...... #sorrynotsorry for being TOO nice.




(ps. up the the 3rd paragraph where i'm talking about being mean. there are only like 2 people in this world that make me want to say those things, so i really i am not a mean person, and i don't hate the world. i just really..... i really can't stand those certain people. just to clarify.)

Walt

"Never stop dreaming" you said.
but what if people laugh at my dreams?
what if people tell me my dreams are unrealistic?
what if you Walt, the very man that creates happiness..... stole mine?
what if you Walt, told me that i'm silly to dream such things?
you're a liar Walt.
don't tell me to "never stop dreaming" when you don't mean it.... when you destroy my dreams.
what am i supposed to do now?
what do i do with my dreams?
let them go? cuz following them is out of the question now that you've shut me down.
do i keep them in and pretend that they don't exist?
lock them up inside my mind and my heart and throw away the key?
keep them a secret until night falls and i'm in my bed; after i turn off my lamp is it ok to cry about you and all my lost dreams then?
everyone is asleep so no one will hear me. and if my mom comes in to check on me i can face the other way so she won't see the tears silently roll down my cheek.
at night can i take out my dreams?
is it ok to think about what might have been then?
can i dream about dreaming?
or will you just sneak up on me and take those away too?

I don't know...
i don't even know what i'm saying anymore....
all i know is that


you're a liar Walt.

and i'm not too fond of liars...but i am so very fond of you. so i don't know where to go from here, Walt.
help me Walt.
please, please help me.