nice

"no suzie, don't send that!"
"why not?! i'm just wishing him luck"
"no don't...... sometimes.... you're just too nice?"


STOP!!! i'm so sick of everyone saying i'm TOO nice, i'm TOO good, i'm TOO kind, i'm TOO sweet. i hate the word too. the word "too" means  "a higher degree than is desirable." this is ridiculous. how can there be a "desired amount" on niceness, and goodness, and kindness, and sweetness? apparently in this world there is a limit on it.

also STOP calling me nice, because you don't know the real me. sometimes all i want to say is "shut up" and "i hate you" and i'll say hate because hate is a strong word. and i also want to say "please stop. you're making me gag" and "can i please throw a BRICK at your face" and "i'd rather die than to be in your presence right now."

(ok that was a bit extreme... i half take it back. just some people make me really unhappy....but anyways back to people calling me TOO nice)

like are you kidding me? i'm sorry that i'm just doing what i've been taught since kindergarten....to share. but growing older i'm not sharing my toys anymore, i am sharing my love and my heart. i was taught this year that "whenever you have an urge to show love to people, you ALWAYS do it. No matter what".... so i guess i'm sorry for being too kind, and for showing my love....

Actually no. i'm not sorry.
i'm not sorry at all.
i'm so tired of saying sorry when i've done nothing wrong.
i'm tired of taking the blame to end a conflict when in reality i'm the one hurt and you should be the one saying sorry.

so world...... #sorrynotsorry for being TOO nice.




(ps. up the the 3rd paragraph where i'm talking about being mean. there are only like 2 people in this world that make me want to say those things, so i really i am not a mean person, and i don't hate the world. i just really..... i really can't stand those certain people. just to clarify.)

Walt

"Never stop dreaming" you said.
but what if people laugh at my dreams?
what if people tell me my dreams are unrealistic?
what if you Walt, the very man that creates happiness..... stole mine?
what if you Walt, told me that i'm silly to dream such things?
you're a liar Walt.
don't tell me to "never stop dreaming" when you don't mean it.... when you destroy my dreams.
what am i supposed to do now?
what do i do with my dreams?
let them go? cuz following them is out of the question now that you've shut me down.
do i keep them in and pretend that they don't exist?
lock them up inside my mind and my heart and throw away the key?
keep them a secret until night falls and i'm in my bed; after i turn off my lamp is it ok to cry about you and all my lost dreams then?
everyone is asleep so no one will hear me. and if my mom comes in to check on me i can face the other way so she won't see the tears silently roll down my cheek.
at night can i take out my dreams?
is it ok to think about what might have been then?
can i dream about dreaming?
or will you just sneak up on me and take those away too?

I don't know...
i don't even know what i'm saying anymore....
all i know is that


you're a liar Walt.

and i'm not too fond of liars...but i am so very fond of you. so i don't know where to go from here, Walt.
help me Walt.
please, please help me.

london calling

i'm in love with London.

the taxi's and beautiful colors and trims

A park

the buses and architecture 

a store

the city lights

apartments 

 above is a department store at Christmas time. 

a skating park

Windsor Castle

Big Ben 

a flower shop

then there is the beautiful country side. 

How can i NOT be in love with London?

(don't worry, there will be more to come, for there are many reasons why i am in love with London.)

sleep

sleep is so strange. 

we treat it like an activity or an outing if you will.

we have routines to get ready for sleep.

we brush our teeth for sleep.

we take off make up for sleep.

we have certain clothes we wear to go to sleep.

when in reality all we are doing is.... well nothing.....except breathing and dreaming. 

it is like a weird in-between stage of being dead and alive. 

but it is crazy how we need sleep. we need to go away for awhile. we need forget. we need to recharge.

sleep is just so strange. 

k i s s

i've heard that "a kiss is a dangerously wonderful thing"- jackie o

and i'd like to see if that's true.

so if you love me, like really love me (and you are a male) please do the following....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upMpZl7PNRI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SofVMXp_7bc

(start this next one around :58 seconds)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVl5inal1PE

kiss me. cut me off mid sentence and tell me you care. tell me how i am special and wonderful and precious and magical....

kiss me. 

i want to be kissed.

kissed... that's such a weird word.

kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss.

sometimes i joke about being VL, but honestly it's not a joke. i want to be kissed.

kiss me in front of the school, kiss me over a look out, kiss me on my doorstep, kiss me in your car, kiss me in the park....

freak. someone just kiss me.









sorry for that.... it is valentines weekend and all i've done is watch chick flicks.

love.

i want to be in love.

scratch that.

i want someone to love me. 

cuz i have been in love, i think i am in love.... but no one loves me like that.

"we are just friends. she just needs me right now and there are some things going on in her life that you just don't understand."

really?

wow. ok. just friends... no one is "just friends" with their first love, first girlfriend, first ex, first broken heart....

and B- how do you know that there are things in my life right now that i can't talk to anyone about cuz they don't understand.... oh wait you DON'T KNOW. cuz you don't have time to know.

you DON'T KNOW... that i need you right now too.








*sigh*





i don't know... .... maybe i'm wrong.....all that i know is that.....




i need someone to love me.

i'd like it back

"i'd like my crayons back, please"

(sorry i say crans. i'm a utahn.)

and while you're at it....

i'd like my treetop apple juice in the mini can.

i'd like my pb&j sandwiches with white bread and the crust cut off, cut into 4 squares please.

i'd also like my chicken noodle canned soup with milk (because my best friend is allergic to peanut butter so i will make the sacrifice for her)

i'd like my trampoline back.

i'd like the summer nights sleeping out on that tramp in sleeping bags and blankets with my sisters.

i'd like to play in the sprinklers, and maybe if i was lucky dad would put the hose under the tramp and we could jump and splash on tramp.

i'd like to play night games again.

i'd like to finger paint again.

i'd like my fancy hair doodads with the two balls on the elastic back.

i'd like that light pink shirt with the dainty embroidered flowers around the neck back.

i'd like my overalls back.

i'd like to watch dragon tales, and rollie pollie ollie, and out of the box, and winnie the pooh.

.................i love winnie the pooh.

i'd like to have my daddy carry me down to bed after a long day.

i'd like to have bath time where my mom would do crazy hair with the shampoo.

i'd like to be lotioned after my bath and use the lavender sented hair detangler while my mom combs my long hair.

i'd like my friends back.

i'd like to play house, and spy kids, and babysitter club, and restaurant, and vet, and barbies, and polly pocket, and fashion designer, and survivor, and pretend that our parents died so we had to live in the backyard and i was the older sister that takes care of the family, and college...

i'd like my childhood back.


ooops i forgot to say please!


please can i have all of it back?


i'd like that.

i'd really like that.


but i know you can't. cuz my hands are too big for the crayons. my sisters are old and live far away, they can't and won't sleep on the tramp with me anymore. i can't get the tramp back because no one would jump on it. the neighbors would think i'm strange if i ran in the sprinkles. and frankly i don't want to get wet anymore. i don't want my fancy hair doodads back because they hurt. i can't watch my shows because they don't exist anymore. i can't play college anymore because now, in a few months i have to LIVE college.

i guess i can't get it all back.

i suppose i will have to settle on getting the memories back.

the fact is.....

i'm growing up whether i like it or not.