The Brightest Star

The brightest star...
Actually isn't a star. It is a binary star. It is two stars so close to one another that to the naked eye it appears to be one.

I want to be a binary star.

I want to be so close to someone that we are one.
I want to care about someone so much that we are one.
I want to love someone so deeply that we are one.

I once saw a video where the old woman looked into her husband's eyes for 4 minutes, when asked what she saw she said, "me. I see his love for me."

I want that.
I want a "can't see my life without you" kind of love.
I want a "dance in the kitchen" kind of love.
I want a "sing in the car" kind of love.
I want' a "laugh until it hurts" kind of love.

I want love that is kind.
I want love that is sweet & good & long & hard & soft & intense & passionate & real.


I want a love so real that when looked upon by the naked eye, we are seen as one.

high school cinderella

words are hard....
hold on.
let me think about what i'm saying.
i'm saying.... umm i'm saying that i think...

i think that "A Cinderella Story" with Hilary Duff has ruined me.
and that high school has failed me.

I would always watch it growing up. I always that that because she was Lizzie McGuire and my name was Lizzy that i would be like her (at least in the movie). I also though that high school would be just like the movie too.

It hurts that i was so wrong.

everything that i wanted, well just expected to happen hasn't.

I thought i'd have best friends that were boys. I though i'd be asked to dances. I thought i'd have a job. I thought i'd have a beat up car. I thought i'd have a boyfriend and he'd be a star of the football team and we'd get into a fight and i'd yell at him in the boys locker room before the big game and then he'd run off the field and kiss me during the game, just like in the movie. Yeah.. that didn't happen, not even close. and #5 could care less if i was dead or alive. I thought I'd wear his jersey to his games. I thought senior prom would be magical. I thought high school was the glory days. I thought that graduation would be the start to a happily ever after.


i guess it was just a silly thought.

I remember

i remember sunny days. i remember the ice cream truck. i remember freshly cut grass and car washes with my dad. i remember sitting in the big blue chair with my two older sisters. i remember when my hips would hurt cuz we all couldn't fit but no one wanted to leave. i remember singing "someday we'll know"in the car. I remember making music videos and dancing in front of the kitchen window at night. i remember car trips where i would pass the message from my sister melis to my dad to "pump it up!" i remember "toothless." i remember jumpoing on the tramp with the sprinkler underneath. i remember selling lemonade. i remember pigs. i remember "there was a girl, she lived in new york ci-tay!" i remember  eat the ground and the silders are coming and tickle fights. i remember painting. i remember my elementary love. i remember the first time i hated wearing shorts. i remember my sister's wedding day eve and laying in bed with her for the last time. i remember the first i was called white- not just white, but i was white white. i remember mei mei. i remember when Tillie was born. i remember biting my arm cuz i liked the marks. i remember the hugs. i remember the tears. i remember.

2nd grade

I intern at Deerfield Elementary in Mrs. Mackey's 2nd grade class. They found out that it is my birthday tomorrow and on friday i received multiple birthday cards. apparently they have been talking about my love life while i am gone because several of the cards talk about my lack of a boyfriend...

 i <3 2nd graders. 

no more monday posts

today is monday.

(but this isn't a "i-hate-monday's-i-don't-want-to-do-anything-can't-wait-until-friday" post.)
this is a post about a great monday.

today i woke up to birds singing.
today the sun is shinning. 
today the grass is green.  
today i saw a baby cow eating grass by it's mama.
today i saw tulips, and hydrangeas, and lilacs (my favorite flower).
today i danced to the radio.
today i got to school on time.
today i colored with crayons.
today i saw beautiful blossoms on the trees. 
today i found my rings i'd been looking for, for a week.
today my mom made me breakfast and lunch.
today is one of my last monday's in high school.
today i decided to be happy.
today i am alive.



today is monday, and it is a great day.

Blackout

how to: not be loved

1-never shower. no deodorant or shampoo or toothbrushes or combs.

2-wear sweats everyday. not the running/yoga outfits because then it gives the facade that you're into exercise. wear the men's $6 sweatpants from Walmart.

3-always complain.

4-be a Facebook and texting addict.

5- make Netflix your bible.

6- no make up.

7- be needy.

8- cry a lot.

9- eat junk food 24/7.

10- hate school.

11- like school.